How to talk about Zimbabwe
Navigating Zimbabwe's Orwellian Narrative: A Satirical Guide
Hey, y’all, thank you for being patient with me trying to be here weekly.
The August Presidential Elections in Zimbabwe inspire this week’s piece. It is also an attempt to channel the satire of Binyavanga Wainaina, one of the greatest African writers. I hope you love it as much as I do.
Begin by acknowledging the glorious work done by the heroes who laid down their lives fighting against oppressive colonial systems. This is important because it shows a superior understanding of the sacrifices that were made for the post-colonial generation, the born-free that now reside in a country where they enjoy great freedoms of peace and tranquillity. If you’re a Zimbabwean, you’d know how important this is. You’d also be in denial if you said you were never constantly reminded. It's all over the national broadcaster ZBC. It's painted all over the Chimurenga ads and in the monotonous, infinite number of revolutionary TV programs that constantly dig up that part of history.
If you say the fight against colonialism in Zimbabwe is being weaponized against the general masses of poor Zimbabweans, you’re a blatant liar. How does a great government, led by the same war liberation party —Zanu-PF, for as long as Zimbabwe knew her independence, speak of the struggle blasphemously? After all, they own the struggle. No one else can claim it. Do you think they owe anything to the people they liberated? No. You’re mistaken. We, the children born into a “free” Zimbabwe owe them an extreme amount of gratitude. They are the Zimbabwe they fought for. They deserve to reap the great ripe fruits of their labour. The extent to which they can eat or give that which falls from the tree is entirely up to their impeccable will. You cannot question their wise judgment. How dare you question the wisdom of your liberator? How shameless can you be?
When you speak of democracy, reference the ruling regime in your definition. They brought us the so-called democracy. When you speak of human rights, define them within the limits of the great laws of the establishment. Because, remember, if it wasn’t for them, the conversation of human rights would never even have existed. If you’re a nationalistic Zimbabwean, one who loves and respects the work of your liberator, a true citizen who loves their country, you’ll be known by echoing only great things about those who brought you democracy. Wherever and whenever you take any platform, do not entertain hate speech that cites the ruling comrades as people who disrespect the rights of the people they serve. On what basis would such a claim even find life in beautiful Zimbabwe? The right to choose a leader of their choice has always been awarded to the people freely since 1990. And the people have always chosen their saviours—the liberation movement to lead them to the promised land.
What’s this rhetoric you hear about stolen and disputed elections since 2002? What is this false narrative of elections often characterized by violence, the disappearing of activists and or any dissenting voice? Those are pathological lies. The news around the world misleads you. All these people who seek to oppose are oblivious to what it takes to fight imperialism and send it back to the sender. Oh no! They are all just puppets of the West planted to disrupt the beautiful order in majestic Zimbabwe. It's in the best interest of Zimbabweans to deal with such bad apples that incite violence in the form of protests. If they cannot side with their liberators, regardless of ideology, by default, they have chosen violence. They wish to bring chaos into a very peaceful country. No constitution protects freedom of speech or protest when it's directed to the ruling liberation comrades. They are the Constitution. The antagonist seeks to sell the country back to the colonial masters. How shameful! They deserve nothing but to rot in jail without trial. Trials are for people who love their country. They’re lucky not to be charged with treason. If the opposers of Zanu-PF rule want to rule the country better, they should return to the trenches and fight for it.
Highlight the great work that the government does in taking care of and honouring liberation war veterans. Talk about the high positions given to those veterans who are still loyal to the cause. What is the cause? Well, the cause is them. The liberators. The saviors of Zimbabwe. They are the cause. If granted loyalty and respect they’ll reward you. How gracious can one be? Are they not merciful masters? Because the loyal ones know to protect the country from selfish interests and ideas infiltrating from the West and also from young boys who did not fight in the war, they should be rewarded. Those who wish to sow divisions in a united Zimbabwe must be cut off and left to fend for themselves.
Align yourself with the regime and speak highly of their developmental work and you’ll be rewarded. The liberators reward those who profess and testify of the liberators’ goodness and grace. It's true. Look at the musicians who have sung praises to the leader of the allegedly broken Republic. They all live lavishly among the rest of the poor masses. The same applies to the prophets who say the crocodile that currently leads the nation is chosen and ordained by God. They are clad in Gucci suits and adorned in Louis Vuitton accessories while driving the best of modern sports cars. They have found favour in the eyes of the great ruler himself. Those artists who have gained popularity by speaking about the problems confronted by the ghetto as a result of an allegedly dysfunctional economy must be silenced. Their shows deserve to be sabotaged, and some songs banned from all Radio stations. It serves them right, for why should they rally the masses and highlight their social ills, placing themselves as their Messiah when the liberators are the only true Messiah for the people of Zimbabwe?
Commend the impartial justice system of the state. They work tirelessly to restore justice and harmony amid barbaric infant noises and perpetual challenges by those who seek to undermine the rule of law. Don’t question the money given to high court judges by the state and all the new cars. They deserve it more than many civilians who queue in banks trying to get their eroded pension funds. Speak highly of the president cracking the whip on criminals against the state. With or without clear evidence, they must be chastised. Those subjects that assume they know better and rise into the streets, marching in demand of better living conditions and change of leadership, don’t respect their freedom fighters and, as such, deserve the highest weapon of justice against hooligans: the army. Remember, the establishment is everything, and that should not be questioned at all. They are the law, the military, the air force, the champions of education and industrialization, and not forgetting that they are also the war heroes. Anyone seeking to voice their will against the powers that be must know the army does not fear them. Tell me now, are they not gracious enough? In what world would you leave such a beautiful country?
On issues that deal with hyperinflation, high unemployment, infrastructural decay, the health care crisis, poverty and inequality, service delivery and migration, point to the international sanctions. Keep your tone without emphasis that punctuates these grievances as nothing of a cause for concern. All of Africa suffers from the same blows. No one should dare single out Zimbabwe. Hit back at the sanctions imposed on the country and, or, on some political individuals as the cancer that plagues any resolve for progress and advancement. Do not speak of corruption or political instability. The liberators cannot be corrupt. Forget all the propaganda trumpeted by the Al Jazeera Investigative Unit that seeks to uncover the so-called illegal gold trade conducted by the powers that be. Move swiftly from making comments about corruption. There is good being done that you need to speak of, like how Zimbabwe owns its land and has a grand tourism industry. The reality of these areas—where the gold mining and tourism takes place—being grossly underdeveloped is also not a failure of the government. And that’s that.
Quote Robert Mugabe, a great pan-African who never shied away from spitting truth in the face of his Western critics. His thirty-seven-year rule was a testament to his resonance and popularity with his people. When describing his political career, refrain from using words like tyrant, dictator, genocide, human rights, tribalist, vote rigging and violence. Place him in the same league with Patrice Lumumba, Thomas Sankara, Kwame Nkrumah, Julius Nyerere and Haile Selassie. State the stellar fact that his predecessors, although having assumed power undemocratically or constitutionally, are piggybacking on his fight for the emancipation of African people by all means necessary.
Conclude by thanking the liberators, the gracious Zanu-PF cabal and only them for blessing the people of Zimbabwe with such great freedoms. By granting impoverished masses of Zimbabwe liberation from colonial rule, they deserve all the power and glory that any leader can have. They deserve a front seat at the table of the country's natural resources. Do not speak of the genocide of Matabeleland and whoever presided over it. Reiterate the fact that if it wasn’t for him, Rhodesia may not have been Zimbabwe.
And while you’re at it, throw on a scarf adorned with the green, yellow, red, black and white stripes of the Zimbabwean flag. It has become a trademark, and with it, you belong.
This reminds me of how African writers in the 70s and 80s would write pieces that would rile up governments and the people. We need more of this style of commentary on the continent. Loved it and sadly related to it as a Nigerian
Wow👏🏾Love it!
I almost said Zim has always been in George Orwell’s 1984 era but that would have been a blatant lie