The Balance.
Between what was, what is and what could be is a lot of living.
In conclusion to our podcast episode, a conversation that explored our experiences in corporate America as black African immigrants from Zimbabwe my co-host reflected that; at the highest point of all our desires, acknowledging that we’re not owed anything by this universe is an imperative.
See, I’m haunted by dreams of more—a reality I believe is true for many people. I identify with the quest for financial freedom— to have my financial problems solved so that I don't need to feel like I'm slaving away my life to capitalism doing what doesn’t fulfil me or fill the pockets beyond ‘just paying bills’. I have dreams of better, healthy and functional relationships. Dreams for better health and a six-pack. Yes, a six-pack! I’m filled with desire for inner peace, a peace of mind. Beyond the self, are visions for a better Zimbabwe. A Zimbabwe that awards equality of opportunity and has a reverence for life. A better Africa, strong and powerfully placed as an equal partner on the global trade tables. A world free from social and economic injustice. And a world enveloped in peace and love.
Most of these, my mental constructions are a utopia or maybe never to be achieved in my lifetime. Hence the need for a balance.
Between what was, what is and what could be is a lot of living. However, it so happens that sometimes we find ourselves romanticizing so much the past, how the good old days were and how we wish we were back to one of the best days of our lives. If not the past, then we are busy being anxious about the future; worrying about what tomorrow will be, busy making a living whilst forgetting to make a life and overcompensating for what may not even matter in that distant future. In all this, we forget that existence doesn’t mean the universe owes us a repeat of that great past or a guarantee of that splendid future.
The now is all we have, and that’s just about it.
And this is where my predicament lies— trying to figure out that balance between wanting more for myself and acknowledging what I already have. Coming from a country where tomorrow’s dinner is not guaranteed, and that being normal, I sometimes stand in the shower and marvel at the fact that I have accessible hot water any time of day, anytime I want to take that shower. Many other things, minuscule or massive, I did not have but now they’re a by-the-way. This, for me, is where my ejaculatory gratitude to God and the universe stems from. The metaphor here for everyone else is that cliche idea that if you’re here today, there could be you from that past happy that you’re here. If that is true, allow me to share in your gratitude.
It is not only about gratitude, this balance, the way I construe it.
In Chinese philosophy there’s mention of the yin and yang or yin yang; the idea that opposing forces are interconnected and interdependent in the natural world. Light cannot exist without darkness. Order cannot exist without chaos. I believe in the constant search or chase of the possibility of that equilibrium. Because, whilst what I have is now, or who I am now is more than what I had or who I was a couple of years back, to sit in that comfort is counterintuitive to the balance and inherently detrimental.
Making a living should not deprive or take away from making a life, and that possibility of life, in its fullness, however one may define it for themselves, I believe, is still a worthy pursuit.
While I may have visions for a more just world, an equitable society, and a desire to give back to the community and homeland that raised me, I find the need to manage how much anger, frustration, conversation, and charity I can give whilst maintaining the balance that saves me so I can continually serve.
“To have one foot in the door of chaos and one foot in the door of order,” Jordan Peterson would say. I quote him but I don’t adore the man. Everyone has their own inherent biases and when put in a corner, partiality flies out and their true colours show. But, I digress.
Knowing that nothing is guaranteed, no matter how much our efforts are put to work, and knowing that we are not owed anything in this life by this life is an unpalatable truth to digest. However, some knowledge is freedom, and this could be one of those gems that emancipate the mind from its shackles.
I seek this balance.
You should too.
Sorry, I haven’t been around, been working on my book, my laziness and inconsistency, but I’m here. Still trying to be here weekly.
Also, I started a podcast, please check it out: @thatsourtakepod with Nyasha & Phiwe
What I’m reading:
Digging Stars by Novuyo Rosa Tshuma.
Also enjoyed this conversation with her and the Harare Book Club on YouTube: Harare Book ClubWhy Nations Fail: The Origins of Power, Prosperity, and Poverty